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Cheers - AE

Saturday, 4 July 2009

The Broon Effect.

To no great surprise plucky Scottish Brit British Scot Andy Murray has been knocked out of Wimbledon in the semi-finals, having had the curse of Broon's Doom laid upon him (not for the first time either) with the sub Prime Mentalist's good luck wishes. After that he was stuffed really, poor guy. The Jonah touch carries on, and worse still I see Murray claims Jonah wished him luck for the season rather than Wimbledon specifically. Fuck knows what'll happen next. Probably he'll fall and break an ankle or his hand will come flying off during a particularly strenuous serve. Sooner or later, preferably sooner for what sections of British sport and enterprise remain untouched by the curse, someone has to tell Gordon that if he really cares he should stop. Stop going into factories and businesses to shake hands in front of the TV cameras when invariably the poor sods either announce mass redundancies, closure of plant or offices, bankruptcy or all of the above within days of the visit. And stop wishing luck or expressing support for Britain's sportspeople and teams when experience shows it's the kiss of death.

I was going to suggest that the best way to achieve this would be for Gordon's mouth to be stapled up and for Lord Mandelsnake to lock him up in a box in the deepest dungeon catacombs cellar below Downing Street, away from any internet connection or phone the poor cursed creature could use to issue a PR supporting the next victim. There was more along those lines and how arrangements could be made to feed and water him, and perhaps how he could be prevented from passing good luck messages by allowing him contact only with carefully selected people who have absolutely no ability to speak English. John Prescott, for example. But I suddenly had a minor epiphany - what if the curse of the Manse could be used as a force for good? What if instead of wishing luck to a British company or sportsperson he could be persuaded to express support for something the world could really do without? The seed of this idea was when I was reading of Murray's defeat and thought to myself "why couldn't that fucking monocular jinx have wished the best of luck to Mahmoud Ahmedinejad in the Iranian election instead?" Followed swiftly by one of those Heeeyyyyy moments. The possibilities are endless. Get Jonah in front of a few TV cameras saying how he very much hopes that Bin Laden will continue to evade capture and the bearded basket case will probably move camp by darkness and inadvertently wander into the middle of the largest US Marine Corps base. Have him express admiration for swine 'flu and the work ethic it shows in spreading around the world and it'll probably peter out in days. Some warm words about Kim Jong Il and Robert Mugabe and how their people are better off with them in charge could change North Korea and Zimbabwe forever. We could even get him to wish that the Australian drought continues so we get the rainfall we need to fill the dams up. Disease, nuclear weapons, dictators, famines, another fucking OTT story-less, effects reliant, bullshit based disaster movie by Roland Emmerich, basically anything people hate or fear, we could put an end to the lot. I believe that Broon genuinely wishes he could make the world a better place, and I think I've seen how he really could.

We could be putting up statues of the man after all.
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