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Cheers - AE

Sunday, 6 November 2011

A new standard for "Too much information"

As reported already by Max Farquar and thoroughly pisstaken by The Daily Mash, The Daily Mail's Liz Jones has given the world a new standard for TMI.
... I decided to steal it from him. I resolved to steal his sperm from him in the middle of the night. I thought it was my right, given that he was living with me and I had bought him many, many M&S ready meals.
Ugh. Between Dervla Kirwan's soft porn voiceovers for M&S food ads and Jizz Loans' revelation that she considers that buying some of their ready meals is a fair exchange for a Durex load of her other half's baby gravy I'll never be able to look at any ready meal ever again.
One night, after sex, I took the used condom and, in the privacy of the bathroom, I did what I had to do.
Stoppit, for Christ's sake.
... I resorted to similarly secretive methods to conceive in my next relationship.
The saddest part of this for Jizz Loans is that having revealed herself to be a serial spunk thief - c'mon, Jizz, you knew damn well they weren't just using a bag to avoid catching anything - her chances of finding anyone willing to play hide the sausage has, er, shrunk. There will be the usual blokey jokes about her looks and remarks along the lines of "I wouldn't, eh, fellas?", but with what the Mail calls her most shocking confession yet Jizz Loans has also shown a manipulative side that a lot of men will find a bit of a turn off.*

I'll leave the last word to the Mash.
DAILY Mail experiment Liz Jones has urged men across Britain to send her their used condoms.
Jones said: "I can't wait for the parcels to start arriving. It'll be like a never-ending Christmas as I rip open each little packet and squeeze the contents into my trembling uterus."
Meanwhile, she has urged donors not to include a photograph or any personal details as she wants her baby's surprising DNA to provide up to five years worth of ground-breaking journalism.
Almost the last word. If anyone wants me I'll be in the shed, upside down in a bucket of mind bleach.

* That wording implies the possibility of something even more shocking up her sleeve, or possibly on it. We can only hope not.
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