The Angry Exile: Top Gear fucked.

The Hangman

Into our town the Hangman came,
Smelling of gold and blood and flame.
And he paced our bricks with a diffident air,
And built his frame in the courthouse square.
The scaffold stood by the courthouse side,
Only as wide as the door was wide;
A frame as tall, or little more,
Than the capping sill of the courthouse door.
And we wondered, whenever we had the time,
Who the criminal, what the crime
That the Hangman judged with the yellow twist
of knotted hemp in his busy fist.
And innocent though we were, with dread,
We passed those eyes of buckshot lead --
Till one cried: "Hangman, who is he
For whom you raised the gallows-tree?"
Then a twinkle grew in the buckshot eye,
And he gave us a riddle instead of reply:
"He who serves me best," said he,
"Shall earn the rope of the gallows-tree."
And he stepped down, and laid his hand
On a man who came from another land.
And we breathed again, for another's grief
At the Hangman's hand was our relief
And the gallows-frame on the courthouse lawn
By tomorrow's sun would be struck and gone.
So we gave him way, and no one spoke,
Out of respect for his Hangman's cloak.
The next day's sun looked mildly down
On roof and street in our quiet town,
And stark and black in the morning air
Was the gallows-tree in the courthouse square.
And the Hangman stood at his usual stand
With the yellow hemp in his busy hand;
With his buckshot eye and his jaw like a pike
And his air so knowing and business-like.
And we cried, "Hangman, have you not done
Yesterday, with the foreign one?"
Then we fell silent, and stood amazed,
"Oh, not for him was the gallows raised."
He laughed a laugh as he looked at us:
"Did you think I'd gone to all this fuss
To hang one man? That's a thing I do
To stretch a rope when the rope is new."
Then one cried "Murder!" and one cried "Shame!"
And into our midst the Hangman came
To that man's place. "Do you hold," said he,
"with him that was meant for the gallows-tree?"
And he laid his hand on that one's arm.
And we shrank back in quick alarm!
And we gave him way, and no one spoke
Out of fear of his Hangman's cloak.
That night we saw with dread surprise
The Hangman's scaffold had grown in size.
Fed by the blood beneath the chute,
The gallows-tree had taken root;
Now as wide, or a little more,
Than the steps that led to the courthouse door,
As tall as the writing, or nearly as tall,
Halfway up on the courthouse wall.
The third he took -- we had all heard tell --
Was a usurer, and an infidel.
"What," said the Hangman "have you to do
With the gallows-bound, and he a Jew?"
And we cried out, "Is this one he
Who has served you well and faithfully?"
The Hangman smiled: "It's a clever scheme
to try the strength of the gallows-beam."
The fourth man's dark, accusing song
Had scratched our comfort hard and long;
"And what concern," he gave us back.
"Have you for the doomed -- the doomed and Black?"
The fifth. The sixth. And we cried again,
"Hangman, Hangman, is this the man?"
"It's a trick," he said. "that we hangmen know
For easing the trap when the trap springs slow."
And so we ceased, and asked no more,
As the Hangman tallied his bloody score.
And sun by sun, and night by night,
The gallows grew to monstrous height.
The wings of the scaffold opened wide
Till they covered the square from side to side;
And the monster cross-beam, looking down,
Cast its shadow across the town.
Then through the town the Hangman came,
Through the empty streets, and called my name --
And I looked at the gallows soaring tall,
And thought, "There is no one left at all
For hanging, and so he calls to me
To help pull down the gallows-tree."
So I went out with right good hope
To the Hangman's tree and the Hangman's rope.
He smiled at me as I came down
To the courthouse square through the silent town.
And supple and stretched in his busy hand
Was the yellow twist of the hempen strand.
And he whistled his tune as he tried the trap,
And it sprang down with a ready snap --
And then with a smile of awful command
He laid his hand upon my hand.
"You tricked me. Hangman!," I shouted then,
"That your scaffold was built for other men...
And I no henchman of yours," I cried,
"You lied to me, Hangman. Foully lied!"
Then a twinkle grew in the buckshot eye,
"Lied to you? Tricked you?" he said. "Not I.
For I answered straight and I told you true --
The scaffold was raised for none but you.
For who has served me more faithfully
Then you with your coward's hope?" said he,
"And where are the others who might have stood
Side by your side in the common good?"
"Dead," I whispered. And amiably
"Murdered," the Hangman corrected me:
"First the foreigner, then the Jew...
I did no more than you let me do."
Beneath the beam that blocked the sky
None had stood so alone as I.
The Hangman noosed me, and no voice there
Cried "Stop!" for me in the empty square.

Maurice Ogden

Sunday 17 January 2010

Top Gear fucked.

Not because, as some have said, that it's kind of lost its way in the last couple of series. It's fucked in the Exile household because it's leaving its Aussie home on SBS for the Nine Network, which as I mentioned a few months back is one of a number of channels that struggles with keeping to a schedule:

This isn't the two or three minutes I used to tut about [back in the UK] - I shit you not, I've known things to start ten or twelve minutes late here. ... This isn't live event type TV that can overrun by the way. Obviously that can go tits up and play havoc with the scheduling, though how anyone here is expected to actually notice when that happens is anyone's guess. No, we're talking about regular pre-recorded programs, many of them US imports and therefore running at a convenient 40 minutes or so long to allow for plenty of ad breaks and guff such as 'this program is brought to you in association with a product you don't want and might not even have the right genitals to use properly'.

...

Execs of channels 7, Nine and Ten, I suggest you get a fucking clock each and learn how to use it before someone comes round and inserts one in you with the instruction to start the next program every time your arse rings.

Needless to say nothing's changed since September except that it's got worse. They do the rating holiday thing that the Yanks do, which means they don't make much of an effort this time of year. So we can expect the new Top Gear format to be along the lines of cutting the 58 minutes or so running time down to 40 or less, to often but not always run an ad break right after the title sequence and another about 30-60 seconds before the credits roll - yes, on top of all the other ad breaks - and to annoy the shit out of everyone by plastering on screen graphics with 'Coming Up Next On Nine - Shit You Can't Stand' on the screen at random intervals. It's pretty much a given that it'll start several minutes late and overrun by slightly longer.

Now I'm sure that this has come about because Nine has offered the BBC more money than SBS. Okay, fair enough. But I'll make a prediction here and now - Nine will fuck off the Top Gear fans enough that increasing numbers will simply download it illegally, viewing figures will drop and Nine will give up on it. Hopefully before that happens the BBC will wise up and start making it available to download for a small cost directly from the Beeb itself instead of some poor quality pirated shit or a cut to fuck version shown on TV.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: G'day. I couldn't agree more- channel nine is shit and they obviously think we have nothing better to do than wait on them while they yell adds at us waiting for one episode to start- one that they cant even promo accurately! I think the programmers care factor goes along the lines of 'Lets just stick on an add for an episode that we arent even gonna play- fuck 'em, the audience are brainwashed/ deaf by now anyway and we are not here for hearts and minds- we just want eyes/ears on us at channel nine!'
Top gear has obviously been shitting nine for a while now. they tried their shows in competition, to no avail. imagine the desk thumping at nine, greedy fuckers! Just shows that money wins again- but i know without a doubt if i try to watch nine play top gear i'll just have to work very hard to not pull the plug, in the end it will be mythbusters for me or whatever else sbs have on! Just on principle nine are a pack of thieving jealous cunts who can't let sleeping dogs lie. Pack of dumb shits! Bring top gear back to sbs!!; 8 February 2010 at 18:40
Angry Exile said...: Top gear has obviously been shitting nine for a while now. they tried their shows in competition, to no avail.

On top of which Seven has got Fifth Gear if I remember rightly. I imagine buying TG is as much about getting one over on their commercial rival as on SBS. Still cunts though.

Bring top gear back to sbs!!

I have to say that my first year in Oz TG on SBS was several months behind and I'd seen the entire series before leaving the UK. SBS were pretty gentle with what they cut to make room for ads and still fit it in an hour long slot but all the same... it's not often I have something good to say about the BBC (or the ABC for that matter) but it's one of those shows I would prefer without ads and would be prepared to download for a small fee. Still waiting for the Beeb to fucking sort that one out of course.; 9 February 2010 at 02:43