Ever feel like Nanny is winning?

You know what? As much as I detest the various fucking gauleiters at least we know what to expect from them. Health and safety, for example. You know before they even draw breath that no matter how many trailing cables you've tucked out of the way to prevent tripping, no matter how carefully you've positioned monitors, chairs and keyboards, no matter how precisely the temperature is controlled, no matter what the fuck you do the bastards are going to find something to criticise. It's not just their job, it's their raison bloody d'être, so they'll damn well find something.* We know it's coming, don't we? But sometimes it's not even them doing it but people doing it to themselves, and it's not so much annoying as fucking tragic.

The popular children’s cartoon character Peppa Pig has been forced to wear a seatbelt following health and safety fears.
In some episodes, Peppa and her brother George are seen sitting in the back seat of a car without belts.
The decision comes after parents expressed concerns that their children would follow Peppa’s example.

Oh Christ, here we fucking go.

First off, a point of order: Peppa Pig will not be wearing a seat belt because Peppa Pig isn't real. It's a fucking cartoon for fuck's sake. She's no more going to be wearing a seatbelt than Jessica Rabbit wears fucking eyeliner - cartoons, d'you see? Carfuckingtoons. Come on, journos, I know you can be thick, lazy twats but just try it with me, ok?

"Peppa Pig will be depicted wearing a seat belt."

See? Not tricky.

Now, these parents. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh fucking dear, but haven't the Nanny state cunt monkeys got you lot well trained, eh? Stepford wives and Stepford husbands and good little fucking Stepford Mums and Dads, you contemptible, mindless fucking pricks. Creating cages in your own heads now, for fuck's sweet sake.

Oh save us, Nanny, save us from independent thought. Save us from working out for ourselves how to parent our offspring - ours in name only of course, because in truth they are your offspring, Nanny, the wage slaves and tax payers of your future. Show us the shining light of your wisdom and let it guide us henceforth, so that we can carry out Nanny's aims ourselves with minimal prompting and only moderate supervision. Now put a seatbelt on that pig so I can take the blindfolds off my poor children.

One mother wrote to Nickelodeon, the children's channel, to say her daughter had refused to wear a seat belt because she wanted to be like Peppa.

/facepalm

I am not a parent but I can think of a couple of possible ways to deal with this. In my more tolerant moods I'd probably begin by explaining that policemen will stop Daddy and tell him off and make Daddy pay a ludicrous amount of money (which it would be in Oz), which would mean no more treats and perhaps birthday or Christmas presents. If that didn't work I'd turn the engine off and say that there'd be no car trips until we all wear seat belts, and incidentally thank-you darling daughter for giving your parents less attention than a fucking cartoon pig, now if you want to go to Grandma's/swimming/zoo/wherever we're going then we're walking. The nuclear option would be to quietly take a Stanley knife to the playing surface of the DVDs so they don't work anymore and tell her that it's because Peppa didn't wear her seat belt and now she's dead, and here's Daddy's bacon sandwich to prove it.** Further attempts at negotiation will be bad news for Noddy, Postman Pat, Bob the Builder and anyone else I can think of who drives any kind of vehicle up to and including Santa.

And the producers of Peppa Pig?

Phil Davies, a producer at Astley Baker Davies production company , said: “We thought, ‘This is a family of bloody pigs for God’s sake.”

Good point. So you told them not to be so bloody silly? Ah, no. You caved.

The company has introduced seat belts to all new episodes and is reanimating scenes from the first and second series.

Oh for fuck's fucking sake. I despair, I really fucking do.

* H&S isn't my problem fortunately, but if it was just for shits and giggles I'd be tempted to give them something really obvious but not terribly dangerous to get worked up about and see if they overlook a carefully hidden but potentially lethal issue somewhere else.
** Perhaps it's a good job I don't have kids.