The Angry Exile: Smoking ban now extends to computer warranties.

The Hangman

Into our town the Hangman came,
Smelling of gold and blood and flame.
And he paced our bricks with a diffident air,
And built his frame in the courthouse square.
The scaffold stood by the courthouse side,
Only as wide as the door was wide;
A frame as tall, or little more,
Than the capping sill of the courthouse door.
And we wondered, whenever we had the time,
Who the criminal, what the crime
That the Hangman judged with the yellow twist
of knotted hemp in his busy fist.
And innocent though we were, with dread,
We passed those eyes of buckshot lead --
Till one cried: "Hangman, who is he
For whom you raised the gallows-tree?"
Then a twinkle grew in the buckshot eye,
And he gave us a riddle instead of reply:
"He who serves me best," said he,
"Shall earn the rope of the gallows-tree."
And he stepped down, and laid his hand
On a man who came from another land.
And we breathed again, for another's grief
At the Hangman's hand was our relief
And the gallows-frame on the courthouse lawn
By tomorrow's sun would be struck and gone.
So we gave him way, and no one spoke,
Out of respect for his Hangman's cloak.
The next day's sun looked mildly down
On roof and street in our quiet town,
And stark and black in the morning air
Was the gallows-tree in the courthouse square.
And the Hangman stood at his usual stand
With the yellow hemp in his busy hand;
With his buckshot eye and his jaw like a pike
And his air so knowing and business-like.
And we cried, "Hangman, have you not done
Yesterday, with the foreign one?"
Then we fell silent, and stood amazed,
"Oh, not for him was the gallows raised."
He laughed a laugh as he looked at us:
"Did you think I'd gone to all this fuss
To hang one man? That's a thing I do
To stretch a rope when the rope is new."
Then one cried "Murder!" and one cried "Shame!"
And into our midst the Hangman came
To that man's place. "Do you hold," said he,
"with him that was meant for the gallows-tree?"
And he laid his hand on that one's arm.
And we shrank back in quick alarm!
And we gave him way, and no one spoke
Out of fear of his Hangman's cloak.
That night we saw with dread surprise
The Hangman's scaffold had grown in size.
Fed by the blood beneath the chute,
The gallows-tree had taken root;
Now as wide, or a little more,
Than the steps that led to the courthouse door,
As tall as the writing, or nearly as tall,
Halfway up on the courthouse wall.
The third he took -- we had all heard tell --
Was a usurer, and an infidel.
"What," said the Hangman "have you to do
With the gallows-bound, and he a Jew?"
And we cried out, "Is this one he
Who has served you well and faithfully?"
The Hangman smiled: "It's a clever scheme
to try the strength of the gallows-beam."
The fourth man's dark, accusing song
Had scratched our comfort hard and long;
"And what concern," he gave us back.
"Have you for the doomed -- the doomed and Black?"
The fifth. The sixth. And we cried again,
"Hangman, Hangman, is this the man?"
"It's a trick," he said. "that we hangmen know
For easing the trap when the trap springs slow."
And so we ceased, and asked no more,
As the Hangman tallied his bloody score.
And sun by sun, and night by night,
The gallows grew to monstrous height.
The wings of the scaffold opened wide
Till they covered the square from side to side;
And the monster cross-beam, looking down,
Cast its shadow across the town.
Then through the town the Hangman came,
Through the empty streets, and called my name --
And I looked at the gallows soaring tall,
And thought, "There is no one left at all
For hanging, and so he calls to me
To help pull down the gallows-tree."
So I went out with right good hope
To the Hangman's tree and the Hangman's rope.
He smiled at me as I came down
To the courthouse square through the silent town.
And supple and stretched in his busy hand
Was the yellow twist of the hempen strand.
And he whistled his tune as he tried the trap,
And it sprang down with a ready snap --
And then with a smile of awful command
He laid his hand upon my hand.
"You tricked me. Hangman!," I shouted then,
"That your scaffold was built for other men...
And I no henchman of yours," I cried,
"You lied to me, Hangman. Foully lied!"
Then a twinkle grew in the buckshot eye,
"Lied to you? Tricked you?" he said. "Not I.
For I answered straight and I told you true --
The scaffold was raised for none but you.
For who has served me more faithfully
Then you with your coward's hope?" said he,
"And where are the others who might have stood
Side by your side in the common good?"
"Dead," I whispered. And amiably
"Murdered," the Hangman corrected me:
"First the foreigner, then the Jew...
I did no more than you let me do."
Beneath the beam that blocked the sky
None had stood so alone as I.
The Hangman noosed me, and no voice there
Cried "Stop!" for me in the empty square.

Maurice Ogden

Tuesday 24 November 2009

Smoking ban now extends to computer warranties.

Do fucking what? Ah, hang on, this is Apple we're talking about.

If you light up a smoke, your computer's warranty could go up in flames.

We all know that smoking isn't good for you or for your gadgets, but Apple seems to have gone a step further by refusing to honour the warranties on several Macs belonging to smokers.

Consumer advocate blog The Consumerist reports two examples of Apple stores refusing to honour the warranty on a Mac because of contamination from cigarette smoke. It seems the faults could be attributed to exposure to smoke and accumulated tar, although there is no specific mention of cigarette smoke in the AppleCare warranty contract.

Oh, you lot who still smoke are really in for it now. You think you're being treated like pariahs already? It's just beginning really, isn't it? Now the private sector is using the anti-smoker policies of governments as an excuse to avoid warranty work. Now I'm a big fan of Apple products but not so much the company, and I have personal experience of the situation with suddenly deciding that the warranty is void (in my case that was just before I was about to drop $500 on Apple Care, so that was fucking good timing on Apple's part) so this doesn't surprise me in the slightest. And even though I gave up smoking before either of my current Macs were bought this really boils my piss. Frankly if this prompts every smoker who fancies a Mac to go down the Hackintosh route instead it'll be no fucking less than Apple deserve.

4 comments:

Dick Puddlecote said...: It's been noted in the smoker community, AE.

... and if I know them, it will be widely disseminated. Quite an own goal to exclude a fifth of your potential clientele, I reckon.; 25 November 2009 at 08:18
JuliaM said...: "It seems the faults could be attributed to exposure to smoke and accumulated tar..."

In a computer..?!

What were they doing, blowing smoke directly into the air vents?; 26 November 2009 at 02:42
Angry Exile said...: DP, yes, possibly very much an own goal in the long term. I don't know if Apple are also among the righteous, are just shameless bandwagon jumpers, or are terrified that a non-smoking employee might develop a slight cough after handling the machine of a smoker and sue them. The last possibility seems unlikely as I'm sure Apple wouldn't hesitate to do the work if paid for it, so I suspect a mixture of the first two. As I said, good products but the holier than thou attitude of the company is starting to become annoying.

"It seems the faults could be attributed to exposure to smoke and accumulated tar..."

Did you notice the 'could be attributed' in there? Translation: we don't know what the problem is but since we've found something that wouldn't have been there when it left the factory we're going to blame that. Actually this is not a million miles off my own situation (though not smoke related). Since dealing with Apple in the UK was always a pleasure I thought perhaps it was just Apple Australia who were a pain, but now I wonder if actually orders have come down from on high: save money and increase revenue, don't do warranty work if there's even a semi-plausible excuse not to. Speculative on my part, true, but still.....

What were they doing, blowing smoke directly into the air vents?

I believe the Apple End Use Licence Agreement may shortly be altered so that it requires that any smoke be blown directly up Apple's arses only.; 26 November 2009 at 08:13
JuliaM said...: "I believe the Apple End Use Licence Agreement may shortly be altered so that it requires that any smoke be blown directly up Apple's arses only."

ROFL!; 26 November 2009 at 20:37