I work in the land Down Under

Also in the Daily Wail, and like me here in Australia, is Mat Taylor. Mat Taylor is a very clever guy. Before emigrating to Australia he was the finance chief at Fenland District Council in Cambridgeshire, and now he's, er, well he's sort of still the finance chief at Fenland District Council except he works (presumably from home) in Adelaide. Via a Skype video call. Once a week. And gets 20 grand.

Well I don't blame him for moving to Australia. I don't even blame him for moving to Adelaide, which by all accounts is a very nice city and a bit more affordable than it is here in Melbourne. He's a very lucky man. Lucky because if he was in Melbourne I'd be tempted to find out where and piss in his letter box. And lucky, not to say a fucking supergenius, for persuading the stupid cunts on the council to let him work one day a week from 10000 miles away and be paid the same pro rata. Adelaide isn't going to be hard to love when you're getting $42000 a year and six days a week to enjoy it.

As the Pythons put it, you lucky, lucky bastard.


Edit: The Australian's take on it here.

The latest at the Rock

From the Daily Wail (yes, I know):

Disgraced bank Northern Rock will tomorrow lavish £9million in bonuses on its staff - simply for repaying part of its bail-out loan from the Government on time.
The taxpayer-funded handout - equivalent to £2,000 for each worker - was labelled ‘crass’ and ‘indefensible’ last night.

Well surprise surfuckingprise. Northern Rock has been state owned for hardly any time and already the taxpayers are having their hard earned thrown around for a fucking weak reason. Of course these days we expect "equivalent to £2,000 each" to mean 10p for the teaboys and a fortune for the boss, and I did think it was going to be more of the same. But I forgot that with NuLab running it things might be a bit different.

The payout, which applies to all 4,400 staff at the Rock, is only the first stage in an incentive scheme that could see the state-owned bank pay more than £50million to its workers over the next few years.
On an average salary of around £20,000, this equals a bonus of £2,000. Staff can also look forward to another 10 per cent bonus in 2010 and 15 per cent in 2011 if the bank repays its government loan on schedule.
A fourth bonus, worth 25 per cent, will follow for lucky workers if the bank leaves state ownership and is successfully returned to the private sector.
For a worker on £20,000, this means total bonus payments of around £12,000.

Fuck me. I bet the Northern Rock staff must be wishing it had gone tits up and turned them into public sector employees ages ago. Don't get me wrong, I'm not having a go at the staff, who after all must have expected P45s not so very long ago. But it seems that the government have taken it over with no more idea of how to run the fucking thing than the previous lot. I mean Christ, by all means pay everyone bonuses but after the fucking business is making money, eh? And not just for settling up part of a debt on time. How many people get a bonus from their mortgage lender for paying an instalment on time? No one.

Still, at least the new boss isn't getting a big fat lump of cash as well... oh hang on, what did that bit say further up?

The Rock’s new boss Gary Hoffman, 47, who is one of Britain’s best-paid civil servants on a basic salary of £700,000, is also in line for a super-size handout.

Jesus suffer and fuck, he's barely been there long enough for his arse to make a dent in the chair. The best that can be said is that he and the other senior execs aren't getting their bonuses right away, and that's really not much. So typical of both a badly run bank and a government project - money being hosed around all over the show for very little at all.

Children's Minister: Home education 'may be cover for abuse'

Baroness Morgan, the Children's Minister, said home teaching could be a "cover for abuse" in extreme cases.

On the other hand home teaching could also be a way of getting your kids out of a shit house school where they're learning fuck all of any use and giving them a fucking education at home. I'm sure the thought occurred to you Baroness Morgan, but aside from making unfavourable headlines for you and your government what you really want is an excuse to go poking and prying around people who've decided to take the state out of their child's life. Fuck off, you big nosed bitch.

Genius

From the Devil's Kitchen:

These fake fucking charities are springing up left, right and centre: see a pro-state charity quoted in the MSM and the odds are that the "charity" is, in fact, little more than a QUANGO. This fake charity will derive a large part of their funds—our money—from the government whose measures it is supporting.

I am thoroughly sick of this: there are so many of them. And, whilst various bloggers have highlighted different ones at different times, I think that it would be a splendid idea to establish a central website—an up-to-date, searchable directory of these fake charities—which people can visit to determine easily and quickly which charities are funded with our cash, and by how much.

I have registered the domain fakecharities.org and will set up and style a content management system framework over the next week or so.

Genius idea. That's being added to my bookmarks.

Guilty until proven innocent

Also in the Telegraph, a minor win for the little guy. Another driver has demolished the case against him for speeding by proving that the car isn't capable of the speed that he was supposedly caught at (and if memory serves this isn't the first time someone's shown that Mr Plod's speed gun technology is nowhere near as reliable as it's claimed). But it's not all good news (my emphasis):

Dale Lyle, 21, said he was surprised when he was told a mobile speed camera had clocked him at nearly 100mph in his 1.3 litre Honda Civic.
He contested the case and magistrates told him to provide evidence to support his claim.

The problem is, still, that for motoring offences the burden of proof is reversed. I admire Mr Lyle for not being the pushover that most motorists are when given a ticket*. He'd sold the car but bought it back and had it tested to prove that it wasn't capable of the 98mph he'd been accused of, but that cost him twenty times what rolling over and paying the fine would have been. And now he's got to try and recoup that from somewhere - court, police, CPS, camera partnership... who should pay him back? And what are the odds that they'll blame each other and generally wriggle like hell to avoid any of them compensating Mr Lyle for having to waste money defending himself against a false accusation. Fairly fucking high I reckon:

A CPS spokesman said: "...Any recompense is a matter between the defendant and the court."

Gobshites.


*Okay, Dale Lyle was fortunate in being accused of a speed he knew damn well his car was unable to achieve, and since that probably doesn't happen too often most people getting a speeding ticket have absolutely no way of proving themselves innocent and are therefore fucked. This would have a Thank Fuck I Left The UK label but for the fact that it's more or less the same here.

How thick do they think people are?

Now children, does anyone know what this is? Yes, it's toilet paper. So hands up who can tell me how to wipe their arses.

I reckon it's not beyond the realm of possibility that a teacher in the UK might end up asking a class (almost) exactly that in the not too distant future. After all North Staffs is wanking away about GBP 700,000 over the next five years on the assumption that parents there are utterly incapable of teaching their kids how to brush their teeth, so it's not too much of a stretch to think that the kids will all be sent to school with cacky drawers as well. I'm all in favour of schools teaching life skills as well as the regular academic stuff, and actually I think they don't do enough of it, but come on... how to use a toothbrush? It's not rocket science and could safely be left to the parents except on the odd occasion where a teacher might notice that a particular child hasn't been taught properly or at all. Then, and only then, the teacher could talk to the child about it, maybe involve the school nurse (if there are still school nurses - I don't know actually), and maybe show them how to brush their teeth in private so they don't get the piss ripped out of them by their classmates. However, I recognise that the problem with that is it's leaving it up to the initiative of individual teachers, which must surely go against government policy which appears to be to discourage any individual initiative in anyone and everyone. Plus even the slightest hint of extra curricular interest in a child is probably enough to get a teacher labelled as a paedo these days so in modern Britain I wouldn't be surprised if there would be no intervention until a child's teeth had actually turned blue and their breath was setting off the school smoke detectors.

Fuck's sake!

Bikini babe sailors and feminist outrage

Newsflash - humourless feminists go nuts over Navy officer's interview (also reported in the UK media here and here and probably a few others I couldn't be arsed to google for). The Age:

Feminists are calling for action to be taken after an Australian Navy submarine commander suggested that women sailors in bikinis would help boost recruitment.
The Daily Telegraph reports that Commander Tom Phillips from the HMAS Farncomb was asked by a men's magazine if "female sailors all had to be hot and had to wear bikinis, would that help recruitment?".
Commander Phillips is quoted as replying: "It would certainly get the right demographic of young men in. I'm not sure how feasible it is."
Defence Minister Warren Snowden said the comments were "utterly unacceptable".
Chair of the Women's Lobby Australia, Eva Cox, said the comments reflected the "Navy's limited view of women as bodies rather than brains", the Telegraph reported.

Eva, the guy was interviewed by a lad's mag, who asked him a typical albeit inane and laddish question. It was also a fairly leading question and the response shouldn't be too surprising. Actually I felt it was a fairly balanced answer. He did not say that he thought it was a good idea to have female sailors in bikinis, just that it would appeal to a certain demographic, presumably testosterone laden men in their late teens and early twenties, who are also desired by the RAN for other reasons. Oh, and how did the second bit go again?

I'm not sure how feasible it is.

Sounds like he has some reservations about actually putting into practice. Eva, fuck off eh?

The Telegraph (UK rather than Sydney):

"If these comments are to be attributed to this newly appointed commander, I think it will go down as one of the shortest careers in naval history," MP Bob Baldwin said. Australia's Minister for Defence Personnel Warren Snowden told the Sydney Daily Telegraph that the remarks were "utterly unacceptable".

Bob, Warren, see above. And then fuck off.

I think the UK's Grauniad actually has the most balanced take on this:

Now then, the original Reuters story says he suggested female sailors "should" wear bikinis, which isn't quite true. If we scroll down the story we find that, in fact, he was asked by Ralph Magazine: "If female sailors all had to be hot and had to wear bikinis, would that help recruitment?"

Nice to see that someone spotted that it was Raplh's question that sparked the answer. On top of which I can't imagine that Commander Phillips was behind the interview or did it off his own back without clearing it through the appropriate Naval Headquarters and/or DoD in Canberra. I haven't bothered to check but I wouldn't be shocked if it turned out that it was an NHQ/DoD idea to get a senior officer to do a lad mag interview to help recruitment in the first place. At the least they could have easily put the kybosh on the idea if Commander Phillips was in fact the one who thought of it. So why is Phillips getting all the flak from the feminists and politicians? Why not throw some at the magazine for asking a puerile question? Why not chuck some in the direction of those who either approved or were behind it as well? Why not, getting down to the nitty gritty, give it some fucking thought instead of going after the easiest and most obvious target? I can see why feminists and politicians would be offended by a serious suggestion from a Navy officer that female sailors should all look like they're Baywatch extras, and rightly so because it would be ridiculous from pretty much any perspective, but that's not what happened. I feel that the feminist cause isn't being helped much here by the feminists themselves.

Mohammed Asha

So let's get this straight. This guy goes to Britain where he intends to work for the NHS as a neurosurgeon and, due to knowing a couple of people whose minds he was unable to read and who turned out to be a couple of religious nutcases, Asha is arrested, locked up, charged with funding terrorism because he lent them a few bob for (as far as he knew) rent, and finally tried. Now up to this point I kept an open mind and haven't got huge issues with what happened to Dr Asha. Maybe the evidence was a bit iffy, maybe there was enough to justify a trial... dunno to be honest as I was rather busy and didn't follow things as closely as I might have. But we all know what happened next - the jury cleared him of all charges and the judge had a pop at the police for one or two minor, trivial procedural matters (you know, things like grilling the poor bloke without his solicitor being there, nothing important), and he leaves court a free man. Well, actually a not-remotely-free man because the Home Office decided to deport Asha and to lock him up again while they fucked around with the paperwork.

Now I may have got facts slightly wrong here but my impression is that the Home Office had a kind of technically sound case for deportation. As someone living in a foreign country I'm aware that I must meet certain conditions and might be deported back to the north Atlantic shithole where I was born if I don't meet them. But let's be blunt about Dr Asha's situation - he wasn't able to meet his visa conditions because he was locked up in fucking Belmarsh. A just society would look at the root cause of why the visa conditions weren't met and act accordingly, say renew the visa and give the guy at least the same amount of time he spent behind bars to find another position in his field. Nobody can give him back the lost time, and since he apparently did know the terrorists who attacked Glasgow airport and had lent them money it could be argued that his arrest, imprisonment and trial was largely very, very bad luck. But having been cleared the slate should be wiped clean and Dr Asha allowed to get on with his life.

I'm glad to see that this now looks like it's going to happen.

A hearing of the Special Immigration Appeals Commission decided he was not a threat to national security and released him on bail after hearing secret information behind closed doors.
The panel decided that he did not need to be electronically tagged and ordered only that he should report to a police station in Birmingham once a week and that an unspecified sureity should be paid.
Mr Justice Mitting said: "I do not impose any of the conditions customary. We express the view that it is not in the public interest that Dr Asha should be prevented by immigration considerations from resuming work in the National Health Service."

I still find it distasteful that he's still being treated as a criminal by having to pay bail and report to a local police station each week, but as the article says he's not being tagged and isn't considered a threat. And obviously it's a hell of a lot better than being stuck in a detention centre - a prison in all but name. But the thing is, if he isn't a threat then why bail? Why weekly appearances at the cop shop? As far as I can see it's solely because of the Home Office's determination to kick the guy out.

Rupert Jones, for the Home Office, said Dr Asha was a threat to national security and there was a substantial risk he would abscond if bailed.

Wakey wakey. A court has cleared him and an immigration tribunal says he's no threat. If you've got evidence to say otherwise would it not have been a good idea to bring it up at his trial? Or charge him with something else? Failing that we're left with the conclusion that there's more or less fuck all and you're flushing the principle of presumed innocence down the fucking bog along with all the other freedoms that you government cunts find so fucking inconvenient to live with.

Oh, and just to show that the UK is not alone in having some world class shits have a look at the story of Australia's Dr Asha, a guy by the name of Dr Mohamed Haneef. If anything it's worse than what happened to Dr Asha. Funnily enough Dr Haneef seems less than keen on coming back to Oz to practise medicine. Can't imagine why. Actually to be serious I can't imagine why Dr Asha still wants to work in the UK after his treatment there, though if the Home Orifice is anything to go by there's no fucking shortage of brains that badly need fixing.

You've moved abroad - here's your NI bill

Last year I completed my last tax return for HM Revenue and Customs and, after a couple of international phone calls explaining that I was no longer a UK resident and had zero plans to return, put a note on it somewhere explaining that I was gone for good and expected to be thoroughly milked by the Australian Tax Office in future and wasn't really up for paying tax in Britain as well. I think there was a form to be posted back as well since I'm sure there was one particular hoop to jump through which couldn't be done online. I also included my address here in Oz in case they wanted to check my return or get proof that I'd left the UK. Months went by and I heard nothing, so I assumed that it was all sorted. Until yesterday when a bill for about $200 (sorry, no pound sign) of NI contributions landed on the mat. The silly bastards had clearly put my address in the system so the NI Contributions Office knew where to send it, but after another international call it turned out that they hadn't actually mentioned that I'd emigrated. I can't blame the NI people for not being mind readers, and since there are plenty of ex-pats who do keep paying NI it's not an unreasonable assumption that I would be as well. Actually it is an unreasonable assumption and a letter/email asking me to clarify it would have been a good move, but it's probably not realistic to hope for anything so sensible.

Although the lady I spoke to in the NI Contributions Office was both (a) intelligent enough to understand the situation instantly (b) knowledgeable enough to know how to deal with it and (c) good humoured enough not to mind that I said I'd rather barbecue myself than go back to the UK, the whole one-hand-doesn't-know-what-the-fuck-the-other-is-doing experience does strike me as sadly typical of things in the UK. On the plus side she told me that I'd overpaid slightly so after some more form filling I should be due a small rebate, perhaps enough for a slab of beer I'd guess. I'll be raising one to the nameless NI lady as being the first tax/NI person I've spoken to in nearly two decades of work in the UK who really had their shit together. For the rest... well I'm going to need the toilet again before the evening is out.

Edukayshun

Priceless. I'm prepared to believe Ed Balls when he says that there's an excuses culture in some schools, but I wonder if the twat has given five minutes thought as to where it's fucking come from.

Black is white

Awarding Tony Blair a medal of freedom George W Bush said "this man believes in freedom". The UK has one of the most (possibly the most) watched and surveilled societies in the western world, and to a large extent this was achieved during Blair's time as PM. At the same time the freedom to protest outside Parliament has been lost and anti terrorist and organized crime legislation is used more to bully ordinary citizens than for its stated purpose.

Believes in freedom my arse.

Lazy Exile

Funny thing about habits. It's not to hard to develop a habit of not doing something that used to be pretty habitual. Hence after a week or so when I was just too busy, a couple of weeks where I was really quite a laid back and happy exile, a short stay in hospital and a couple of months flat on my back recuperating and finally the holiday season, I've fallen out of the habit of getting angry enough to make time to write anything. So my somewhat late resolution to 2009 is to get back into that habit. And maybe quit smoking which should drive my anger levels to new heights.