I'm a malfunctioning Apple customer...

... and hopefully they can fir me in to be fixed once the faulty iPad customers are dealt with.

MALFUNCTIONING iPad customers are to be 'fixed', Apple confirmed last night.

... the company has admitted that many iPad buyers have experienced a mental bug which has caused them to question whether the machine works as perfectly as it obviously does.

Apple is now offering an offline 'fix' for the problem where owners hand themselves in for psychological reconditioning and massive electric shocks.

A spokesman said: "It's a simple mental readjustment to make users more compatible with their iPads.

"Through a combination of shouting and targeted electricity we are able to erase the creeping sense that they've been duped by their own pathetic desire to be cool into buying something that doesn't really work."

He added: "Clearly there can be nothing wrong with the iPad. Like all Apple products it is terrifyingly perfect, like something beamed back from a future time where everything is brilliant white and humans have evolved into beautiful androgynous beings in shiny jumpsuits who don't do poos."

Reconditioned iPad owner Tom Logan said: "My iPad works perfectly, it's simply that the rest of the universe, specifically the internet and my hotmail, has yet to fall into sync with its utter perfection."

I know how he feels. The gravity round here was so incompatible with the mouse that came with my Mac that it filled the upper trackball with shit and made it unusable. As for the way the crappy laws of physics make my MacBook overheat, sheesh. Shall I just lick the wall sockets under a picture of Steve Jobs and hope for the best?