Infamous four.

Woot! But then that's four among how many? Well, to be pedantic since one's a Lord it's only three MPs out of 646. And what's happened to the rest? Oh yeah, fuck all. Okay, a load are standing down at the election for various reasons that no one believes and 381 are having to repay money, but come on! What normally happens to people who are a bit sticky fingered with their employers? They get fucking fired, and more than a few get nicked. And of the remainder we know that there are some who are not being asked to pay money back despite having made some fucking outrageous claims. Yes, Jacqboot, I'm thinking of you, your sister's house second home and that knuckle shuffler husband of yours - a whole other meaning to sticky fingers there. Is three token scalps all we get? Can the CPS really not make anything from all the other claims? And did all the claims of the rest really stand up to scrutiny or is it, as the Mash put it, that the rest lied their way out of paying the money back? Blurring the line between satire and reality again.

Auditor Sir Thomas Legg said around 350 members will return at least some of the money they stole while another 300 had given him a variety of very convincing reasons for not doing so.

He added: "Many have developed a chronic allergy to financial transactions and their throats will close up if they are in the same room as a cheque book, while in recent months a large number of MPs' constituency offices seem to have become Chinese restaurants.

"In the case of four MPs we found that they didn't actually exist and were just the 'shop front' for an off-the-shelf company based in the Turks and Caicos Islands.

Still, I'm sure it'll all be fine in future, eh? Who am I kidding, this independent watchdog is highly likely to be parliament's bitch.

'Kinell.