I bloody knew it.

Cats are bastards and they're working to their own fucking agenda.

There seem to be two kinds of people in the world: those who don't understand cats, and those who think cats are kind of douchebags.

Unfortunately for cat lovers, science has kind of come down on the side of that second group. Research has revealed that a lot of the quirky and even cute things your kitty does are actually signs that your cat is kind of a dick.

Of course when the alternative is the deranged barking and shitting machine that goes in paroxysms of ecstasy every time he sees us holding anything vaguely resembling a lead the cats have a lot going for them. The worst thing about dogs? I think it's when they have a shit. It's not that we have to go walkies with pockets full of plastic bags, or that no plastic bag is thick enough to disguise the softness or hide the horrible warmth of the thing. No, the most revolting bit is the expression of deep concentration he wears, like he's determined to get this task precisely right, whilst he cranks it out. And the fact that I'm often on the other end of a bit of bloody lead while he does it.

Still, he brings back tennis balls when we throw them away. How about that, eh, cats? You lot just sit there and look bored.



Fuckers have an answer for everything, don't they?


UPDATE: In response to Dick Puddlecote, who is not happy about my dissing cats, I'd like to say this. As a life long cat... owner? Probably the wrong word but you know what I mean. Anyway, I've always lived with them, feel that after all that time I've earned the right to diss 'em, and generally do so under the baleful stare of the most recent pair. Anyhow, they got their own back by leaving a furball/vomit minefield just outside the bedroom door sometime during the night. No doubt this was their way of sympathising with my complaints about having to pick up dog shit and reintroducing variety into my life my giving me something to clear up from the other end. Unfortunately I've had to use so much fucking carpet cleaner that I'm worried I may have broken a UN treaty on chemical warfare.