Straight from the mouth of a lefty comic.

Like many comedians, some of whom are genuinely funny, Frank Skinner is a bit of a lefty and likes the idea of big state telling people what to do and how to live, which is why I've ripped into him once before. But I'll give him credit for his honesty here.

What’s happened to the Conservative Party? It used to be a dirty little temptress. I’ve voted Labour my whole life but, I hate to admit this, the Tories have always had a would-but-shouldn’t allure.

They appealed to my Mr Hyde. Even when I was a slightly lefty student, I’d watch their conferences on TV, with talk of things like a “short, sharp shock” for young offenders and, while my better self argued that poverty, inner-city housing and mass unemployment caused crime and thus needed to be dealt with at root, my Mr Hyde would be thinking: “OK, I’m voting Labour but I must admit, if the Tories win, the knowledge that a vicious street thug will be crying himself to sleep in an icy cold cell does represent something of a silver lining.”

The Conservatives had an animalistic gut appeal. The good me knew that trade unions were admirable institutions that protected the people from exploitation by management but my Mr Hyde was sick of power cuts and bus strikes, and could turn a blind eye to a bit of union bashing and redundancies if it made life more comfortable.

Then, when I started earning, it was their juicy tax cuts that enticed me. Conservatism was, I felt, institutionalised selfishness. Yes, the good me wanted to walk back from the pub without getting glassed, a bit more money in his pocket and the trains to be running, but he didn’t want these things at the expense of higher ideals.

Fair enough. At least Skinner admits that he's happy to have benefitted from a government he didn't vote for, and in the same way it's only fair to say that not everything about Labour has been irredeemably bad. Mostly, but not everything. However, not only does the amount of bad shit more than make up for it but the sheer badness of some of the shit is unforgivable. For example, Frank Skinner says:

My Mr Hyde would have accepted a police state as long as he felt safer, richer and less inconvenienced.

Well, Frank, you fucking got the police state you secretly wanted, just not from the Tory party with which you've had this interesting love-hate relationship. Of course, you aren't safer, richer or less inconvenienced as a result, but I think that's part of the police state thing rather than because it's Labour rather than Tory flavoured. Who cares what colour the fucking rosette is when you're face down with your eyes closed waiting for the kick in the crotch that's surely coming. You're a twat, Frank, but not a complete one.

... I used to be tempted by the Tories’ dark delights but not any more. In fact, that’s probably more down to them changing than me.

The Conservatives no longer offer any dark delights. They seem to care about equality, the unemployed and saving the planet.

...

In truth, there are no Tory blues or Labour reds any more — just one big, slightly ungraspable purple party. I know there are always the Liberal Democrats, but watching their conference — listening to them talking about what they would do if they came to power — reminded me of sitting with workmates in the factory canteen, discussing what we’d do if we won the football pools.

The party conference season has, I must admit, shown the Conservatives to be the party of change. They’ve changed into the Labour Party, which, 15 years earlier, changed into a sort of Conservative Party Lite.

Hallefuckinglujah! Not only is a well known lefty TV personality saying that there's next to fuck all between them it's been printed in a national daily. Skinner is right - there's basically one centrist party with two wings these days.

Before that, any Shadow Home Secretary would have known instinctively which party would be lining up a former Army chief as a potential minister. He wouldn’t have needed to be briefed.

David Cameron’s Tories aren’t even promising Mr Hyde they will drop the 50p tax. When people decide who to vote for in the next election, they can’t do it on policies. It’s not the old choice of nationalisation v private enterprise or grammar schools versus comprehensives or even fox hunting v not fox hunting — it’s purple v purple.

There’s not much mileage in Gordon Brown saying: “I’m warning the British people, if the Tories get into power, things will be ever so slightly different from the way they are now.” That’s not really beware of the bogeyman, is it?

The really bad news for Mr Brown is that, in the absence of policies, the election will be decided on personality: Brown v Cameron, charmless v harmless.

In other words the good news is that Gordon Clown is fucked. The bad news is that once there's been an election and the fucking fucked fucker fucks off things under the new government will feel only ever so slightly different. Gordon may be fucked but unless people wake up and start voting for change and genuinely new policies rather than similarity and merely new faces Britain looks fucked too.