The Daily Mash.

As usual:

CARTER-RUCK TO SUE EVERYONE

LAW firm Carter-Ruck is to send you a letter telling you to shut it right now or they will have your house.

The libel lawyers acted after thousands of bloggers and Twitter users ignored a legal bid to suppress information about their client Trafigura and its decision to hose down some Africans with a big boat full of shit.

The injunction, brought against the Guardian, was withdrawn last night after Trafigura and Carter-Ruck decided it would be more fun to try and intimidate everyone with a computer.

The injunctions will be posted later this week, although the firm have also threatened to sue every postman in Britain if strike action affects their delivery.

DHL will be used to deliver injunctions to the postmen, but if anyone from DHL looks at the addresses then it will be sued and its injunctions will be delivered by UPS who will also be sued and have its injunctions delivered by Federal Express.

Senior partner Denys Finch-Hatton, said: "I have taken advice from myself and will see absolutely everybody in court later this month. As a precaution, I have also taken out an injunction preventing you from telling anyone that I told you that I would see everybody in court and an injunction preventing you from telling anyone that I told you about the previous injunction. And so on."

He added: "As for Trafigura, our clients have stated consistently that they only ever intended to poison the west African coastline with 400 billion gallons of shit in a perfectly legal way."

Just gold.

UPDATE: And then there's this:

As Internet coverage focussed on its client Trafigura, law firm Carter Ruck has joined massive corporations everywhere in longing for the days when intimidation and blackmail was enough to get them what they wanted.

Despite using the legal process to secure their desired outcome - a media blackout of their clients wrong-doing - users of the Internet were quick to disseminate the news around the globe.

“This wouldn’t have happened in my day,” said a former lawyer specialising in news media.

“We would have put the frighteners on them nice and early, there’d have been no mention of it in the paper, and the first blogger to allude to it would have mysteriously disappeared.”

“I ask you, what is the point in being a billion dollar entity if you can’t buy the type of news coverage you want?"

...

Carter Ruck have been quick to point out that they haven’t been defeated, but this global exposure was in fact their plan all along.

A spokesperson told us, “The dumping of hazardous waste is an extremely competitive industry, and if someone now has tonnes of lethal chemicals they want to make ‘disappear’, what is the first name that springs to mind?”

“That’s right, Trafigura. We are confident our client will be delighted with the outcome of our campaign.”